Finding Joy at the Turn of a Page

Well, today was the last day of my summer semester. American literature definitely stole my heart as I learned so much about different authors along with reading and analyzing works by them. I grew up hating to read; honestly the idea rarely even crossed my mind. Until this semester, that remained true. Despite the fact that I loathed reading, I have always loved to write. Through moving, different relationships, and struggles in my life, I have constantly turned to it as an outlet.  My mother always encouraged me to read because she said it would improve my writing skills. Of course she was right, but like many other things it was advice I tossed to the side with little consideration. I guess my mind is lazy. I loved a good story but I always turned to TV and movies to get that fulfillment. That is a shame because so many authors do an amazing job at making their stories come to life.

The past five weeks have opened my eyes to the great authors in American history. I have a greater appreciation for books and I hope that I can continue reading as a daily habit. This would not have been possible without my professor, Mrs. Weedman. Her passion for the material made reading fun and her insight gave me a greater understanding of each piece. She is truly an amazing teacher and I actually looked forward to every class period. It takes a great instructor to make three hours fly by. I cannot thank her enough for giving me the tools and allowing me to discover the joy in reading.

Three years ago, I had a teacher with a similar passion. My senior year in high school, Mrs. Briggs gave me the tools and encouragement to better my writing skills and gave me opportunities to utilize them. I never had the chance to thank her for the wonderful influence she was on me.

It is women like these that change the lives of students, teachers that invest the time to encourage and help us realize that we have a talent. These are the kind of teachers we need teaching, so one can plant a seed and others may water it as the student grows. In high school I decided I wanted to be a writing teacher, allowing other students the opportunity to find an outlet through writing as I did. Eventually I threw the idea away realizing that my lack of interest in reading would make that dream nearly impossible. It was not until my American literature class that I realized this could still be a possibility. Even if I don’t choose that route, I know that I am capable of reading and understanding.

Not only did this class show me the joy of reading, but it made me realize I can be a good student. This class is the first time I have received an A in nearly eight years and I assure you it was not without a challenge. I worked so hard and it allowed me to see that hard work does pay off. I also realized that even as an ADHD student, with a little time and patience my mind is just as brilliant as those without.

No matter what I choose to do tomorrow, next year, or with the rest of my life, these teachers have forever impacted me. I cannot thank them enough for that. I encourage you to take the time to thank those who have impacted you. A simple thank you note can go farther than you may know. 

"A great teacher takes a hand, opens a mind, and touches a heart."

She Used to be a Pearl...

Last time I lived in Midland, I was in a relationship with my high school sweetheart. Now, being back in town, it’s been hard going to places that he and I shared together. It brings back memories, good and bad, that just make me think of the kind of relationship we had. I began to realize how important it is to have a good relationship with your significant other.

Girls, I cannot stress this enough… You don’t need to change who you are to get a guy. I remember all the things I did in high school to get a guy’s attention and I even pretended to like the things he was interested in. For example, my taste in music changed almost every time I got a new boyfriend and I would do this just so he would notice me. I usually got the guy and had an ok relationship, but eventually I just got so tired of pretending to be someone I wasn’t.

Anyway, the biggest problem that I had in my relationship was I fell so hard that I let them treat me poorly. I was afraid of being alone, and honestly I still kind of am. I was so afraid of him leaving me that I was swayed so easily to do things that pleased him. After two and a half years I completely lost sight of who I was, I let him convince me that there probably was no God, and I wasn’t truly happy. He would yell at me even if I brought up my faith and wasn’t very supportive. We fought all the time, used hurtful words, and I was so damaged from our arguments. I held on so long that I was nearly convinced that he was the one. I couldn’t see anything beyond what he told me to see. After all, I had made him the center of my world. At such a young age it is really hard to not only focus on your boyfriend It's hard to think ahead to being out of your parents house, on your own, and onto new and better opportunities.

There were times that I tried to leave but he would always convince me to give him another chance. I know it’s easy to give into promises, but they are usually empty promises. The truth is, people can change but it’s rare that they change in the same relationship that was screwed up. Sometimes it’s best to move on and just hope they learned and can treat someone else better.

Thanks to good friends, I let go. I chose to start fresh. I have never been happier. But the biggest advice I can give to other girls is love someone who builds you up. Not someone who tears you down. The song featured below really helped me when I decided that he was breaking me down. It gave me the strength to get out of a bad situation. If you’re in a damaging relationship, there IS a way out and I promise that in the end you’ll be stronger than you ever were before.

“You don’t have to be a shell.

You’re the one that rules your world.
You are strong and you’ll learn that you can still go on.
And you’ll always be a pearl.”


                        

Sisters!

Sisters are irreplaceable. You don’t always like them, but you always love them. My sister and I have had our ups and downs. I’m sure she would tell you that being her little sister, I can be annoying to put up with. I can guarantee that at times she’s been bossy and frustrating as well. But without those ups and downs we wouldn’t have the bond that we have now. I remember her taking care of me when I was little, I’d like to hold it against her that she dropped me a time or two but I don’t actually remember (I wonder why ;) and to this day she takes care of me when I need advice. There are some things about my parents, friends, or guys that I know she will have a good opinion on and she can guide me in the right direction. Recently she reminded me to follow my heart and stick to what I know is right and if anyone has a problem with it, then they aren’t worth my friendship anyways. It’s reminders like these that help me remember that although we argue sometimes, she cares about me so much! Today Allison is turning 28 and I’m proud to call her my sweet sister! She has become a wonderful woman and I would be happy to be even half as amazing as her. Happy Birthday Alli!

Give Thanks.

What would you do if you woke up today and only had the things that you thanked God for yesterday? Where would you be? Would you have your family, food, a place to live? I can honestly say that there are days I wouldn't have any of those things. Sure, I pray daily but I forget to thank God for the things I already have and find myself focusing on the things I don’t have. Days like today, I’d have nothing. This idea really got me thinking and I’m going to start writing down one thing a day that I’m thankful for. How hard can it be? I think all of us as humans forget that the things we have are blessings. There are tons of people that don’t have near the amount that we do. Here’s some things to think about… If you have food in your fridge, clothes on your back, a roof over your head, and a place to sleep, You are richer than 75% of the world. If you have money in the bank, your wallet, and some spare change, You are among the top 8% of the world's wealthy. If you woke up this morning with more health than illness You are more blessed than the million people who will not survive this week. If you have never experienced the danger of battle, the agony of imprisonment or torture, or the horrible pangs of starvation, You are luckier than 500 million people alive and suffering. If you can read this, You are more fortunate than 3 billion people in the world who cannot read at all. Statistics like these really get me thinking about how lucky we are to be so fortunate! Don’t forget to be thankful for today :) I’m thankful for you!

The F-Word

There is one word that is not even in my vocabulary: the F-word. No I’m not talking about the one that came to mind. I’m talking about FAT. I would much rather someone tell me to f*** off than to call me fat. It’s a word that digs to the core of any girl and some guys to pull out the most insecure feelings. The word alone when directed at you can lower your self-esteem so much. It's offensive and really uncalled for. 

As a child I never really felt heavier than the other kids. I was fun, energetic, involved in sports, happy to be me. It wasn't until 5^th grade that I noticed I was not only taller but bigger than my classmates. Still, I didn't put too much thought into it. My parents began to emphasize the fact that I needed to stay active but being stubborn, I generally disregarded their advice.

In 6^th grade, my friends decorated my locker for my birthday. It was tradition at my school for the other kids to sign their name on a big poster for you to take home. When I went to look, the smallest signature stood out more than all the others. To this day I can still see the writing, in the bottom left corner it said, “Happy Birthday Piggy.” I remember tears filling my eyes, but shaking it off I smiled and went about my day. When I got home I sunk deep under the covers of my bed and just cried. From this day on, as a 12 year old, I knew I was different, I knew I was fat.

Thankfully now I am blessed with friends that have never made me feel uncomfortable with my body or appearance. They make me feel beautiful and I know they accept me no matter my size. But I’m not sure I can accept my size. For years I convinced myself that I was happy with myself, that my weight didn’t cause me to miss out on anything. I have come to realize that I never felt the rejection because I safe guarded myself by only doing things that I knew I was capable of doing. But I’m done safe guarding myself. I’m ready to not only be happy with my appearance, but to feel healthy, to live healthy.

I have wanted to shed these pounds for the longest time. Last year I went to a camp in New York called Wellspring. I was successful and lost 40 pounds, but then I went to college and gained it all back. Disappointment doesn’t begin to describe how I feel about all my hard work going down the drain. Still, I wouldn’t change the experience I had there. It gave me an opportunity to excel at healthy activities and for the first time in a long time, I was proud of myself. I am so excited to say I have been asked back to a camp in Washington DC to be a mentor this summer. I will also be a camper again so I will have an opportunity to lose the weight and this time I WILL keep it off. More about Wellspring later…

Anyways, I decided to start a blog that documents my success, struggles, and thoughts this summer, at camp, and through my weight loss journey. It’s called "The EC Weigh" I’ll include the web address below and there is also a link above my about me section. In regards to my last post, thank you so much for all the encouraging feedback. I’m glad yall enjoyed it.

P.S. If you’re skinny and didn’t get anything from reading this, take my advice and don’t use the F-word. It hurts more than you think.

http://ecweigh.blogspot.com/

Removing My Mask

Today was like any other day. I woke up, got ready in a rush, grabbed breakfast to go, went to class, checked Facebook a little too often.. I mean, it started off normal. But today I decided the same thing I've decided a million times before. I'm going to change my life. I started an American Literature class today, I'm going to get an A. I worked out, I'm going to work out everyday. I bought painting supplies, I'm going to reward myself by doing something I love. I read the Bible, I'm going to read it everyday. I spent time with my dad, I'm going to appreciate that time. I called my grandmothers, I'm going to continue showing how much I love them. There are so many things in my life that I neglect. So what's different now than every other time I decided to start fresh? I am finally ready to let go of the lazy, selfish, me that I have been hanging on to.I am going to document my journey with this blog. Day by day I'm going to get a little bit better, a little bit happier. I truly believe that if I take time to better myself and reach out to others, I will be rewarded with happiness.

In my American Literature class, we read Dunbar's "We Wear the Mask." It made me think about the front I put on for people that I don't really know. We all have our own stories, and mine unfortunately has led me to not trust people. One part of the poem really stuck out to me:

We wear the mask that grins and lies, 

It hides our cheeks and shades our eyes,

This debt we pay to human guile; 

With torn and bleeding hearts we smile.

I wear a mask because I use it as a form of protection against people I think will hurt or judge me. Three years ago I got involved with the wrong group of friends, I sunk so low to find happiness that I lost myself. I am not proud of the things I did and I can honestly say that I regret them. This year I removed myself from the environment I was living in, moved to a new state, and devoted myself to God. I learned so much and God is so important in my life, but in my whole transformation process, I forgot something. I forgot about ME. I forgot to devote time to bettering me. I worked hard to be open with friends and to let people in. But anytime I am in a uncomfortable situation or in a large group, the mask still goes on. I've realized that as much as I know God has forgiven me, I haven't forgiven me. I am on a path to accepting myself and bettering myself because deep down I know I am an amazing person. It takes courage to grow and become who you really are, but that's a challenge I'm willing to take. So here it goes, as much as this is for me, maybe you will learn something too.