Removing My Mask

Today was like any other day. I woke up, got ready in a rush, grabbed breakfast to go, went to class, checked Facebook a little too often.. I mean, it started off normal. But today I decided the same thing I've decided a million times before. I'm going to change my life. I started an American Literature class today, I'm going to get an A. I worked out, I'm going to work out everyday. I bought painting supplies, I'm going to reward myself by doing something I love. I read the Bible, I'm going to read it everyday. I spent time with my dad, I'm going to appreciate that time. I called my grandmothers, I'm going to continue showing how much I love them. There are so many things in my life that I neglect. So what's different now than every other time I decided to start fresh? I am finally ready to let go of the lazy, selfish, me that I have been hanging on to.I am going to document my journey with this blog. Day by day I'm going to get a little bit better, a little bit happier. I truly believe that if I take time to better myself and reach out to others, I will be rewarded with happiness.

In my American Literature class, we read Dunbar's "We Wear the Mask." It made me think about the front I put on for people that I don't really know. We all have our own stories, and mine unfortunately has led me to not trust people. One part of the poem really stuck out to me:

We wear the mask that grins and lies, 

It hides our cheeks and shades our eyes,

This debt we pay to human guile; 

With torn and bleeding hearts we smile.

I wear a mask because I use it as a form of protection against people I think will hurt or judge me. Three years ago I got involved with the wrong group of friends, I sunk so low to find happiness that I lost myself. I am not proud of the things I did and I can honestly say that I regret them. This year I removed myself from the environment I was living in, moved to a new state, and devoted myself to God. I learned so much and God is so important in my life, but in my whole transformation process, I forgot something. I forgot about ME. I forgot to devote time to bettering me. I worked hard to be open with friends and to let people in. But anytime I am in a uncomfortable situation or in a large group, the mask still goes on. I've realized that as much as I know God has forgiven me, I haven't forgiven me. I am on a path to accepting myself and bettering myself because deep down I know I am an amazing person. It takes courage to grow and become who you really are, but that's a challenge I'm willing to take. So here it goes, as much as this is for me, maybe you will learn something too.